My First Open House, or The Basement From Hell

I went to an open house.
I'm in no way ready to put an offer in on a house, but it was a cute one I saw on the MLS, and I thought, why not? I'll get to see a neighborhood I could live in, get experience looking at homes, see features I like, blah blah.

Within five minutes of the scheduled start time (I was there ten early, because of who I am as a person), there were no less than two couples, one with a child, and four other people meandering through this house.
The Salt Lake market is absolutely insane. (This house listed at $229,000.)
I really liked it though. Most of the issues I had were easily fixable with paint (that red door...), although I definitely don't like the weird yellow siding on the front (idk what that's called).


Black trim? I. Am. A. Fan. Paired with the white walls, it was super clean looking and was kind of a statement. I probably would do the top trim white, and then the bottom black, but I wouldn't be rushing to change it as soon as I moved in. (There's that stupid red door..)

These cabinets were... interesting. My first reaction was "PAINT THEM WHITE". But after looking at them, they kind of have a nice depth that most cabinets this unfortunate color don't. So I'm not sure what I would've changed in there. I definitely am not a fan of most granite. I think it always looks dirty, and it's just thrown in because granite is the magic word around here.
Also, the range hood, which was definitely meant to be mounted under a cabinet, is just kinda floating there, with a power cable snaking down, very visibly, to the outlet. One thing I would looooooove (but can't really demand) is an actual vent above the range. I think this whole recycling air thing is crap.

I asked the realtor showing the house about a basement and he said "well, there's a crawlspace. The door is by the stairs to the loft."
What?

And then the descent into Hellment (hell basement?) began.


There's no way either of the staircases in this house were up to modern code– they were tiny. And this one clearly hadn't seen refreshing since... I'd rather not think about that, actually.
It's a low traffic area... low priority... I feel. I wouldn't update it either.


Here lives the WiFi router! Hope that you don't jump too hard in the kitchen (on the other side of that wall) and knock it off its precarious little shelf...


Once you get down the stairs (watch your head), on the left, there's a somewhat finished area with the heating system/water heater. Ok, cool, fine.

Straight ahead, is this:

and to the right, this:


This is my thinking chair. I sit in it to think.

Just kidding, I wouldn't touch that chair, even to throw it out of the house.
Nope.

(While venturing around the house, I was live texting all of this to a friend. That last picture was accompanied by: "The water pressure is good tho")
Priorities?

I'm completely reminded of this twitter thread.

Anyway. I didn't buy satan's house. I just went to see it.

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